Relicui Mei

Ho-hum! Scary clowns. Pennywise, The Killer Klowns From Outer Space, Art the Clown, the Jester, Jack in the Box, Punch, the Joker... I'm sure you've seen it all, so that the idea of a "killer clown" no longer holds any prospect of new kinds of fear. Except, of course, for Mervo the Marvelous, who frightens all who yet live. But you haven't seen... Clown (2014). When the entertainer for a little boy's birthday party cancels, the boy's father dons a clown costume of mysterious origin to take over the duties himself and it turns out pretty well. At first. Unfortunately, the "costume" has further plans and hopes to make itself the father's permanent role. Ha, but I'm joking, certainly! I mean, snort, THIS guy?  Surely this guy isn't the scary thing in a horror movie? It is to laugh. Yeah. Well.  Just go ahead and watch "Clown". I'm sure it won't scare you. Let alone disturb so deeply that you curse me for recommending i...

When Wrong Turn (2021) came out it was the wrong time. Specifically, the onset of the COVID-19 pandemic. It was supposed to have debuted in 3000 cinemas nationwide, but the fact that all the cinemas were CLOSED put a severe damper on its release. It was also not helped by the fact that it was written by the person who wrote the original Wrong Turn (2003).  The remake took a different tack from the original hillbilly cannibal film (and its FIVE sequels). A bit like the Buckner's, the Zombie Redneck Torture Family, in "Cabin in the Woods", or the characters of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre", both of which you are more like to have heard of. That's what the fans of the original film(s) were expecting of this remake.  But it wasn't what they got and so those were quite publicly vocal about their disappointment. If you can imagine such a thing.  Their loss! Because remake is very clever inversion of expectations.  It's focused on a self-sufficient commun...

I love this movie, because it's a great PG-13 movie, and don't let anyone tell you any different. Like many modern horror films (such as "Lights Out"; "Saw"; "The Jester"; "Terrifier") it's based on a previous short. The structure is a familiar one. A group of high schoolers encounter a Cursed Object (in this case, a polaroid camera) which leaves them marked for death, one by one.  Who, if anyone, will survive and how? In fact, this is pretty much the same plot as an episode of "Are You Afraid of The Dark?" and one of "Goosebumps". But, really, can't that be said of almost ANY horror plot? Where "Polaroid" distinguishes itself is the incredible APTNESS of the Scary Entity that is the threat and the "rules" of how the cursed camera works.  The polaroid isn't just some throwaway plot device (as it was in, say, "Back to the Future"); it is really IS the heart of the schtick and o...

Atmosphere. "Night Tide" is all about atmosphere.  The off-beat plot is about sailor Johnny Drake Played STRIKINGLY handsome young actor named "Dennis Hopper". who falls for a young girl who plays a fake mermaid at a pier attraction.  But is she more than just a FAKE mermaid?  If you've seen Val Lewton's "The Cat People", it will remind you of that. Sometimes the staging is almost expressionistic. The acting and interacting between the principals is impressively effective.  For such a weird topic it does a remarkable job of feeling like a real story happening to real people. And, like "Cat People" it creates an atmosphere masterfully, one which you will remember.

I guarantee you, with no doubt or hesitation, that "De Lift" (1983) is, hands-down, the finest Dutch killer-elevator film you will ever see. It is not to be confused with the 1972 German made-for-tv movie "DER Lift", which is about a ski lodge, not an elevator. Which itself is not to be confused with Robert Zemeckis's 1972 student film "The Lift", which is about an elevator, but not a killer one. Or with the 1974 made-for-television thriller "The Elevator", with Roddy McDowell, because how could it NOT have Roddy  McDowell?! Nor it is to be confused with "Down" (2001), which is the English-language remake of "De Lift", directed by... well, the same guy who directed De Lift (Dick Maas).   And no one is allowed to even THINK about "Devil" (2010). Ugh. If you do, you will get slapped in the face with a piece of jelly-bread. With the jelly FACING you. It is more absurd than ALL of those, put together.   No, this is t...

Velvet Buzzsaw is a satire of the contemporary art scene, in the form of a gory horror movie.  It's not merely unrealistic but surrealistic. When the works of a reclusive misanthropic painter are discovered are put on sale, against his posthumous wishes, they empower other artworks to take revenge on the art world types who are insincerely capitalizing on the late artist's tragedy. Rhetorical question: has Toni Collette ever played anyone nice or even just... normal? It's got high production values and a stacked cast (Jake Gyllenhaal, Rene Russo, Toni Collette, John Malkovitch, Tom Sturridge, Daveed Diggs). It even has one of my favorite pieces: "Death of a Mauve Bat" (1967). The kills are bizarre and imaginative and delightfully ironic (as are the victims).  All good art is dangerous, it seems to say, so be careful when treating it simply as a commodity. It's a film with no villains... but no heroes, either.   So thought it was too campy to be scary and too s...

Like yesterday's film, The Last Matinee (2020)  is a movie-lover's movie, set in a South American cinema, whose workers and customers are being stalked by a psychokiller with a very particular and unpalatable obsession. I love that tagline. This film deserves all the eyes on it that it can gather. It's in Spanish (available with English subtitles), but shot very much in the style of an Italian giallo film, although structurally it is very much an '80s-style slasher.  There is zero motivation or dimension to the killer; he's just a Cinematic Psychokiller and the plot is simply about who escapes him and how.   It would make a fine opera. But the film is beautifully stylish and -- unlike genuine giallos -- has a clear, if simple, plot.  It also has one of the greatest foreshadowings / callbacks I have ever seen in a film. I was so delighted when it finally paid off that I stood up in my own home and slow clapped. It's gory, it's simple, it's memorable.  It...

If you are reading this, you probably like horror movies. But not as much as Eric Binford, Dennis Christopher's character in Fade to Black (1980). Binford is yer classic cinematic Lonely Loser, who works for a film supply company and loses himself in the cinema.  He fantasizes being one of the tough guys he sees on the big screen and eventually DOES, adopting their identities in order to take revenge on those who have wronged him. The film is an interesting conceit, but it's Dennis Christopher's acting that takes it to the next level.  The movie wavers between being a fun slasher romp and a serious psychological drama. Some people think that dooms the film but I personally think that's part of what makes it special.  Although most Bullied Loners in film are designed for us to empathize with, the fact is Eric is kind of a jerk, which makes for a different viewing experience.  Cleverly, the film makes no distinction between cinematic monsters, heroes, and villains, sho...

 No, I did not go see The Substance . I do not have to, because I have seen The Wasp Woman (1959). Modern techniques notwithstanding, there is nothing The Substance can say that was not said more insanely by Roger Corman in The Wasp Woman. Really, though; are there ANY movies messages that have not already been communicated more insanely by Roger Corman? Janice Starlin is not just the CEO of Starlin Cosmetics, she's been the face of its products for years! Too many years, in fact.  Now, at 40 years old, she feels too old to carry on as its spokesmodel, but the business has been suffering since she turned that role over to younger women.  What's a (highly successful entrepreneurial) gal to do? Why, fund eccentric scientist Eric Zinthrop's experiments in youthifying wasp royal jelly enzymes, of course!  Now she's aging backwards! The solution proves to be her solution... for a while.  This film is a slow burn; very slow.  But it goes asymptotically off the ...

My ultimate "comfort horror' film! Now, that's not to say that is comfortable .  In fact it's got two of the most unpleasant scenes I've ever seen in a film (one is a person being burned alive and the one is an injury-to-the-eye motif; no, it is THE injury-to-the-eye motif).   Straight from an old horror comic book cover! It is RICH in atmosphere and character.  Neither of them very cheery. Something is off in coastal town Potter's Bluff and Sheriff Dan is determined to figure out what it is.  Eventually, he does. His principal antagonist in his endeavors is the local mortician (and coroner, since it's a small town), Mr. Dobbs, a very nostalgic fellow portrayed brilliantly by Jack Albertson in his final film role. I guarantee you will never think of him as "Grandpa Joe" ever again. Admittedly, it ... doesn't make a lot of sense.  Just let it go and enjoy the creepy.  In a certain way, not making perfect sense makes it re-watchable, because you...

I am pretty film-savvy, especially when it comes to my preferred genre, horror.  That's why one of the most enjoyable things a film can do is DECEIVE me. Films that convince they are one thing, and then reveal that they are something ELSE entirely give me delight.  Suddenly, everything that might have seemed stupid about the film becomes exactly what makes it brilliant. It is for that reason that I recommend Devil's Candy.  To say more would be folly. Also, it has a LOT of Ethan Embry doing this. That's reason alone to watch. And re-watch it.  Apparently. It's a haunted house / possession-y story, starring Ethan Embry as a passionate artist. The kind who inspires passion in others. Through his work, I mean. As you watch it, you will think, "um yeah, I've seen this move before". Stick it out. You may be surprised. I was.

Was yesterday's film, Popcorn , too much fun for you? Today's film, Burnt Offerings , is here to fix that for you. It's the least "fun" you can imagine. It's just a essentially house story. But there are no ghosts, really, in the house; it is the house itself that is doing the haunting.  A pair of elderly siblings rent out their large, elegant but decrepit mansion to a family of four who have rented it sight unseen (because that's a thing that happens in old movies). In fact. the Dunsmuir Hellman Historic Estate.  currently far from decrepit. Although the renters have an ameliorative effect on the house, which seems to be sprucing up under their stewardship, the house has a deleterious effect on the renters. Which is not easy when one of them is Bette Davis. As the summer goes on, the house has increasingly negative affects on the bodies and souls of the renters. The aunt becomes weak, the mother obsessive, and the father choleric. Well, it's Oliver R...

It's the most famous poster for a movie you've never seen and nobody you KNOW has ever seen Exactly as it says on the tin, Popcorn (1991) is a popcorn movie.  It was not well-received when released because, well, it's bat-shit crazy. There's a film student who just may be the daughter of deceased, insane film-maker;  Pictured: insane filmmaker. there's her motley crew of classmates, trying to put on a horror film festival; Any one of whom could have had their own film. there's horror royalty Dee Wallace; Because of course there is. there's the lore of a Cursed Film; Don't ask about the hat. there's a master-of-disguise killer picking off theater-goers and film students; They look better once they cool off. there's giant props and William Castle-style gimmicks galore; You just know one of those characters is named "Skeeter". there's films WITHIN the film, each of them gold in themselves: Since they are spot on parodies of particular...

Pontypool changes everything. Pontypool is a wintry, claustrophobic, Canadian... well, I will call it a "zombie" film, although the nature of the zombifying agent is... unique. Extremely unusual, in fact, and that makes Pontypool a much more thoughtful film than most. That alone would make Pontypool a worthwhile watch, but the stage play-like setting, the odd and powerful performances of the principals and their small but quirky cast of supporting characters. Pouring one out for you, Ken in your Sunshine Chopper. I wouldn't leave my kids with you, but nobody should have to go the way you did. Zombie flicks are often gore fests, but that is not the case with Pontypool , which has virtually NO on-screen gore or violence. In the immortal words of Nikos The Impaler's Brunette Cop: "I hate that violent sh*t!" Pontypool is an intellectual, conceptual film. Does it fully succeed on that level? I'm not sure; but the attempt is a valiant and high memorable o...

The Innkeepers (2011) is one of my favorite movies.  It's by Ti West, who has done some better known horror movies since then. Not a lot happens.  There is some mild comedy, but nothing knee-slapping.  Because markets (and often audiences) do not like art that does not fit neatly into prescribed categories, this poster makes it seem like a wacky buddy comedy. It's not. There are definitely some ... stressful shocks, but I wouldn't call it a particularly scary movie either.   This poster makes it seem unbearably terrifying. It's not. It's short. The stakes are low, with two workers at an inn trying to get some evidence of its supposedly haunted nature before the hotel closes for good, which is happening very soon. As I said, not a lot happens. And that's why this is one of my favorite movies. That is the POINT of the movie.  It's the movie I always show people who say "Oh, no, I can't watch horror movies!" to show them that there are more types...

You know what's even better than a low-budget Ozploitation flick about a telekinetic coma patient? THE OVER-THE-TOP REMAKE! Patrick: Evil Awakens (2013) is one of the best, most respectful horror remakes of all time. So eager to respect the original were its creators that they basically gave ANYBODY who'd been in the original even for a moment the opportunity to be in the remake as an extra.   While the original is set is a dumpy old facility, the remake is set in a SCARY GOTHC facility. Really. The hospital is an entire additional character and a very welcome one. The Doctor is 100 times more eccentric. The Head Nurse 10 times as icy.   Those who are late do NOT get fruit cup. The nurse is 10 times more Righteously Determined and Patrick is 10 times more threatening since nowadays everything is controlled by exactly the kind of electronics his powers (seem like they) could plausibly affect. If you want to see how a FUN and RESPECTFUL horror remake can be done (which, by the w...