Relicui Mei

The Innkeepers (2011) is one of my favorite movies.  It's by Ti West, who has done some better known horror movies since then. Not a lot happens.  There is some mild comedy, but nothing knee-slapping.  Because markets (and often audiences) do not like art that does not fit neatly into prescribed categories, this poster makes it seem like a wacky buddy comedy. It's not. There are definitely some ... stressful shocks, but I wouldn't call it a particularly scary movie either.   This poster makes it seem unbearably terrifying. It's not. It's short. The stakes are low, with two workers at an inn trying to get some evidence of its supposedly haunted nature before the hotel closes for good, which is happening very soon. As I said, not a lot happens. And that's why this is one of my favorite movies. That is the POINT of the movie.  It's the movie I always show people who say "Oh, no, I can't watch horror movies!" to show them that there are more types

You know what's even better than a low-budget Ozploitation flick about a telekinetic coma patient? THE OVER-THE-TOP REMAKE! Patrick: Evil Awakens (2013) is one of the best, most respectful horror remakes of all time. So eager to respect the original were its creators that they basically gave ANYBODY who'd been in the original even for a moment the opportunity to be in the remake as an extra.   While the original is set is a dumpy old facility, the remake is set in a SCARY GOTHC facility. Really. The hospital is an entire additional character and a very welcome one. The Doctor is 100 times more eccentric. The Head Nurse 10 times as icy.   Those who are late do NOT get fruit cup. The nurse is 10 times more Righteously Determined and Patrick is 10 times more threatening since nowadays everything is controlled by exactly the kind of electronics his powers (seem like they) could plausibly affect. If you want to see how a FUN and RESPECTFUL horror remake can be done (which, by the wa

1970s horror movies are a breed apart.  The era of radioactive giant animals had ended  With some notable exceptions, of course. and the horror industry was just making it up as they went along.  Supernaturalism and satanism were favored topics, but Just Plain Weirdness like cryptids, Italian dwarves in raincoats, and Margot Kidder roamed the cinematic plains. One of the creatures didn't roam at all, however. That creature was  Patrick (1978) Patrick is a coma-patient who is more aware than his caretakers realize and who has psychokinesis and MINDPOWERS.  Patrick is also... well, being immobile would make anyone crabby, but that aside, Patrick is not a nice person.  He's a bit, let's say "possessive", and that's how he wound up in a coma in the first place. He's stuck in a slummy/crummy hospital, where the staff isn't very sympathetic (but it's kind of hard to blame them).  The Main Doctor is trying to electroshock Patrick out of his coma; Patrick

There are about 10,000 films where The Young Creative goes to a Secluded Cabin so they can work on their Artistic Project in solitude. But the one you want to see is  Hush (2016). Now, the set-up is not unlike a play I saw once called "Wait Until Dark". But in that play the woman is blind and she is in NYC, threatened by criminals.  In this film, the protagonist is deaf/mute, in the middle of nowhere, and threatened by a masked psychokiller. Crash Test Dummy of Doom. I guess, all crash test dummies are "of doom", by definition, aren't they? Actually, he abandons his mask almost immediately, which is a wonderful change of pace.  He decides he doesn't need it frighten this "Disabled Woman" and becomes, well, just a vicious, smarmy ****, rather than An Implacable Masked Foe. It's delightfully realistic. The film contains only 15 minutes of dialog, which is great, because some horror movies are REALLY talky.   The protagonist is smart and tough

  Ghost Story (1981) is the perfect "comfort horror." Almost no one is ever in any danger, other than four guys who probably aren't going to live another four years anyway. Alice Krige is krige-creeping ALL over the screen. It's got one of the most powerful ensemble of venerable male actors you could imagine: Fred Astaire, John Houseman, Melvyn Douglas, and Douglas Fairbanks Jr. (and was the final theatrical feature film for those last three). These are not your usual group of Stupid Youngsters who can be lured into a deathtrap by a fake Dick Dastardly sign. It doesn't make TOO much sense, but ... it's a ghost story, exactly like it says on the tin. It's a story of a vengeful ghost and if her methods and priorities and powers don't make sense to you, well, you're ALIVE, so they wouldn't. Despite special effects of what I will kindly call "varying quality", it's a perfect horror movie to cozy on the couch for.  For good or for ill,

 The Witch in the Window (2018) is an intimate little horror film. There are no severed heads, no plunging daggers.  It's mostly a sad story of a man who feels he's failed as a person, a husband, a father, and his attempt to fix that. By fixing an old house for resale with his son. He picks the wrong time and place, however. Not all haunted houses are large Victorian mansions, you know. There is one scene that is ... VERY chilling, indeed.  Despite all the many terrifying scenes I have seen in horror movies, this is one that truly haunts me; "omg, what would I do if I were he at that moment?"  I think you'll know it when you see it. But the overall effect of the film isn't so much terror, as it is the sad feeling of inevitability you get from a Greek play.  Horror films can make you feel lots of things, not just scared, and so I recommend this one.

Horror lends itself naturally to anthological format. Horror comics being a perfect example. It makes sense; horror is easier to pull off in short form than in long form due to its need to maintain suspense and build terror.  So there is no shortage of horror anthology films. But there is one every Real Horror Fan knows:   Trick 'r Treat  (2007) It's hard to articulate exactly why.  It's not the scariest, nor the funniest. But it has two things going for it. First, Sam Hain, an adorable but deadly Halloween mascot. He's just trying to safeguard traditions. Second, the fact that, unlike many such films, the segments are all presented as if they were happening in the same town at the same time, and each has little hints of the OTHER ones going on in the background.  The effect is very satisfying and will remind you of "Mystery Train" (1989), if you've seen "Mystery Train". And, if you haven't seen "Mystery Train', why HAVEN'T you s

 Haunt (2019) is about Yer Group of Young People who are deceived by a Dick Dastardly sign into an entering a roadside Spookhouse that is in fact a deathtrap. You'll recognize this, I'm sure, as the incident that led to the "all the racers lost on the overpass" section of the show's intro. One in which WEIRDOS who have been altering their faces to look like spooky masks pick them off one by one. Pictured: a weirdo. In addition to some eye-popping gore and tricks, it's got some interesting conceits. The mask-motivation of the weirdos.  The realistic acknowledgement that because they look like weirdos they need an intermediary to the real world. The fact that they are not Perfect Killing Machines, but are pretty fallible and overconfidence. In fairness, when you are up against a bunch of dumb punks who fall for a Free Koo Koo Kola sign, it's easy to be overconfident. And the ending is ... VERY satisfying.  Much of what you see in Haunt , you may have seen s

 The Innocents (2021) reminds us that children are not normal. I don't mean "children who have mysteriously acquired a variety of metal superpowers".  I don't even mean Nordic children.  Just... children. Their brains are not yet fully formed. They don't have the intellectual capacity to process all the experiences and emotions they have. They have too little experience of the world to know what is normal and what is not.   Now. Give those people superpowers. How does that turn out...? Don't go into this film expecting to see people throwing cars around with their minds. You can watch Chronicle for that.  In Chronicle what happens is inevitable in the manner of a Greek tragedy.  But the outcome of The Innocents is a nail biter to the end. Aside from all its technical prowess, The Innocents does three things quite well.  It shows the importance of parenting and the effect you are having on your children even when you aren't paying attention. ESPECIALLY

 "The Advent Calendar" (2021) is holiday horror, the subgenre that pivots the end of year holiday season from a time of comfort and joy to one of discomfort and despair. The film is French, and its original title is simply "Le Calendrier".  Advent calendars are apparently a bigger deal in European cultures than in mine, and I actually had to look up how they work to get the film.  I don't REALLY understand their purpose, but it's like a countdown to Christmas, using a chocolate-treat-a-day. Not all traditions can be as sensible as ours. The protagonist is a former dancer, now paraplegic, who acquires a big-ass sinister mechanical advent calendar that Grants Wishes and Has Rules and Exacts A Price (because sinister devices that grant wishes ALWAYS have RULES and exact a PRICE). Let's get one for the kids! You wouldn't think that's a schtick a movie could maintain FOR THIRTYISH DAYS. But, oh, it does. Plus it has at least three guys who are serious

This R&R ("Rape & Revenge") flick was originally called "Savaged", but that title irked some people, since it's based on the corpse being possessed by the spirit of a Native American spirit of vengeance. So now it's called "Avenged" (a title much less snappy, if less offensive).   Most of the films I'm recommending in this series are pretty mellow. Some are "comfort horror", but most are just spooky, or scary, or full of fairly "impersonal" murders. Avenged, however, has ... unpleasantness.  Even for an R&R (which often show you the brutality so that you can feel justified in enjoying the revenge), it's got some patches that are tough to watch, so be forewarned. But the conceit is so darned fantastic! Dying after her ordeal, the protagonist can't really be saved by the kindly Native American spiritualist who encounters her. BUT ... her dying body CAN be the vessel for the unsettled spirit of a long-dead n

If "Patchwork" put you in the mood for some more female empowerment films, check out All About Evil" (2010). I mean, sure, the female lead is a psychopathic killer, but, after all, it IS a horror movie. And a very FUN ONE. Cassandra "Elvira" Peterson as the mother who Just Doesn't Get Horror. Natasha Lyonne as the unloved girl who will become a star at any cost.  Mink Stole as the stern librarian. And of course sexy Jack Donner as that efficient, sexy sidekick, Mr. Twigs. "I have WORK to do, MISTER TWIGS!" If you've ever wondered what a John Waters horror comedy movie would be like I mean, one OTHER than "Serial Mom". than this is the film to watch.

 Well, it's essentially a Frankenstein story.  But, oh, it is so more than that! The poster is scary; the trailer is REALLY SCARY. But the movie is NOT. It's essentially a comedy. With a twist. Or two. Or three. I'm generally NOT a fan of "horror comedy" at all. Which should tell you how special this film is. "Patchwork" is a film you will remember.  "RELEASE THE OWLCAT!"

What you get when you add Chuck Connors (from "The Rifleman" tv show) telekinesis, and taxidermy? They do not go lightly on the "Rifleman" references. You get "Tourist Trap" . Remember the video for George Harrison's "I Got Mind Set On You"? (1987, I think). I am of course referring to Version II, not Version I. Well, imagine that Harrison is a screaming psychopath and everything in the room is trying to kill you. That's "Tourist Trap". See it because it's batshit crazy and has a starkly unpleasant ending that reminds us that just because you survive something doesn't mean you're going to be okay.

 "The Wolfman" (2010) .  Big film; lots of money. The pet project of producer Benicio DelToro, who makes the unfortunate choice of starring as Larry Talbot himself. Well... he's better-looking than Lon Chaney, Jr., I suppose.   But really he looks like he should have starred in a remake of Dr. Giggles , instead. Most of the elements from the original film make their appearances, although they are sometimes strained. The silver-headed cane; antique dealer Gwen Conliffe; Maleva the Gypsy Woman; the Talbot Estate and Sir John Talbot being an off-putting weirdo and a-hole; the attitude of dogs; the medalion; the elder brother's death; people questioning Larry's sanity; Larry macking on a woman way out of his league.   It's got some fun set pieces (the attack on the gypsy camp and the asylum escape), although it generally lacks emotional impact.  And it's got Anthony Hopkins doing his patented Crazy and Unpleasant Yet Paradoxically Erudite Old Man routine.   In

Speaking of Larrys... Admit it. You've never ACTUALLY sat down and watched  "The Wolf Man" (1941) to see the lycanthropic fate of poor Larry Talbot. Do.  Not because the Wolfman will frighten you.  But because Larry Talbot will frighten you.  He's the biggest, ugliest, oldest-looking, 35-year-old you have ever seen. At least, modern Hollywood nepo-babies are generally good-looking and have some talent.  Lon Chaney Junior only got in any movies because his DAD was a horror movie star; Junior could barely pull off playing, say, a piano-mover in a Bowery Boys flick. Pretty sure this is his high school yearbook photo. Plus his character Larry Talbot is every creepy, pushy, entitled white male on the mack from every old movie, all wrapped up into one.  I was shocked The Girl didn't just beat him to death with that honking big cane she sold him. By the time they got to it, I was rooting for the wolf that attacked him. His real name, btw, was Creighton Chaney, but he had

Duh. It's "Dr. Giggles". You want a slasher that's FUN? This is THE film for you. SO many doctor jokes. SO many victims. And the late Larry Drake SHINES with pathos, humor, and terror as the eponymous villain. The doctor will see you NOW.